November 21st

You made my heart feel like summer even on the coldest days,

And I’ve always talked about wanting to move somewhere that’s warm all year round,

Maybe that’s why being with you felt like going home

But now you’re gone,

And I am stuck in the thick of the coldest winter I have ever known

Because I never thought I would have to see snow again

So I abandoned my shovel,

And now that there’s a blizzard outside I don’t know how to get out

I’ve never liked to let them see me broken

But with you it was easy because you didn’t try to put my pieces back together for me

And you didn’t ignore when they were shattered either,

Instead you stood right beside me until I could figure out how to put them back together myself

And I think that’s the best kind of love

Because it’s the kind that empowers,

And it’s the kind that lets you know you are safe

Until it’s gone,

And you are left more broken than before,

Because the one person who saw you shattered,

The one person who didn’t try to put your pieces back together for you,

But didn’t ignore them

Also didn’t stay

And I don’t want to be so fragile that you can put more cracks in me just by leaving

But every day since I’ve known you, I have missed you

Every. Single. Day.

I missed you even when I was with you

And maybe that was because I was scared of losing you

But today I miss you with every bone in my body,

I am in physical pain because I have not left my bed in nine hours,

But I also have not slept in 47

And I’m thinking not being able to tell you how I miss you or how I’m hurting makes it worse

But telling you won’t make it better

Because either way,

You’re not coming back right now

And I want to tell you that maybe one day you will understand what it feels like to love somebody who doesn’t love you back

And the pain that goes along with it,

But I don’t say that

Because I love you,

And I couldn’t wish for you to feel the hurt I feel

Even if you are the one who provoked it

And I want to believe that maybe one day we could have a future together,

But I also want to believe that the person I spend my life with will have loved me from the start

And I wonder if you did

And I wonder if you were just scared

And I ask myself if it could have been different

But the truth is,

I don’t think it could have been different

And I don’t know if you can love someone and still leave them

And I’m not sure if the type of love I want exists,

But I can remember all the times I put you before me

And I can remember all the times I put them before myself

And I used to think the difference was that you were worth it and they weren’t,

But now that I am letting go I am uncertain if anything is worth it

Maybe we will find each other again one day

And maybe then you will be ready to hold on to me the way I wanted to hold on to you

This I do not know

But if there is one thing I can be positive of,

It’s that I need to learn to put me before you,

And before them

And first instead of last.

And maybe that’s the silver lining

-on letting go

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