2018: A New Year

This year has been nothing short of a roller coaster. It broke me down in ways I didn’t know I could be broken. It also gave me some of the most joyous memories of my life. “It has been a year of hurting so bad but living so good.”

I had incredible travel experiences with people I would later lose. I lost myself but also began to find myself in a deeper sense than before. I fell in love and got heart-broken. I made new friends out of strangers and I turned old friends into strangers. I learned that the bad is almost always paired with the good and I guess that’s the idea of a silver lining.

Through all of it what I’m learning most is the importance of developing a strong and solid relationship with yourself because when all else falls away that’s what you have left. I’ve learned not to make a home out of anyone’s heart but your own. I’m still working on learning myself and learning how to have more compassion for the dark parts of who I am. Learning how to love myself better knowing it will help me love others better. Learning just how hard it is to love me and to soak those who do in the warmest hugs and kindest words. Learning how to wish peace on those who hurt me because hate is heavy and anger will make you cold. Thanking those who have left me because it made me stronger. And loving those who stuck by me when it was anything but easy. Learning that nothing is permanent but that’s ok and sometimes life takes away something good to make room for something better. Learning that it’s ok to not be ok and making peace with the journey.

I learned there is absolutely no use in worrying because the things that end up causing us to struggle are usually things we would never be able to foresee. And the things we worry about almost never happen. While in some ways I feel absolutely defeated after this year, more than that I feel thankful. For all of the lessons, heartache and challenges. This year taught me to never give up on the woman I’m becoming and encouraged me to pursue a journey to discover what it’s like to be free of all demons.

So I’m entering 2018 defeated, exhausted, feeling nothing short of a mess. But fighting. So hard. Because through all the struggle, the pain, the unsuccessful attempts and the despair, there is just as much good waiting on the other side.

-d.b.

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