A Letter Never Sent

February 19, 2017

It’s been nine months since I started falling for you, and I don’t think I’ve ever stopped. There have been ups and downs, but for every decline, seems to be an incline even higher. I never liked the idea of losing you…but I was never scared it would happen because I always thought it was in my hands. Until that one day at your house, and ever since I’ve been terrified of losing you. My appreciation for you continues to grow stronger as the prospect of losing you becomes greater and it makes me more vulnerable because the more you care, the more you have to lose, right? I know I appreciated our relationship greatly when we were together, but once it was over I started to try and convince myself out of caring. I wanted to be angry or apathetic because it was easier than admitting to what I could lose. For a while, I don’t think I really allowed myself to continue caring for you as much as I could have…maybe because I didn’t fully understand what I had until I thought I might not be able to have it, or maybe because I let the idea of getting too hurt outweigh my hope in the best case scenario. But I don’t want to hinder my feelings from growing out of fear of getting hurt. Have you ever dared to love someone more than you love yourself? I haven’t…I’ve tried but I’ve never gotten there. Because it’s scary. I’m not ready to do that, and neither are you. I’m grateful for the bad timing of our relationship because it allowed me to learn how to love myself more, something that is crucial before truly loving someone else….I want to get there one day and I can only hope it will be with you. When I think of my future, you’re the one I want to experience the important life events with. But more importantly, you’re the one I want to share the little things with, the things that make this life what it is. I used to be infatuated with you, and I cared for you and I knew those feelings were mutual. But now, I am in deep appreciation of you. I continue to see things in you that I haven’t seen anywhere else. And it’s scary because I am no longer certain that my feelings are reciprocated. I can only hope you see those things in me too. Because ultimately one day we will have to make a choice. And we will only choose each other if we see something unique and irreplaceable in each other and in our relationship. I heard someone say once, that when you find the right person it’s easy to commit, it’s easy to forgive, everything’s easy. It hit me because that’s what I’ve always said about my relationship with you…our connection, our relationship, the long distance and the inconvenient timing, it was all easy until we stopped choosing each other. But that’s okay because I think that when you meet someone special, even if it’s at a complicated time, when you do make the decision to choose each other, those things become easy again. Committing, forgiving…even after the stuff that hasn’t been easy, those things feel easy with you. I know we’re young and it’s a great big world out there, but I hope when the day comes we do choose each other. I want to choose you. And I want to continue making that choice every day, even on the days when things get hard and I don’t feel like choosing you. Because ultimately, “In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in a hundred versions of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”

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