Muse

I used to wait up for your 4 am calls…

As if I believed that your desire for my body made me matter

Your acknowledgement of my existence made me feel special

Special enough to be one of your many muses

That was enough for me?

I used to believe that was all I deserved

But now I see it was you who never deserved me

I tried to give you everything I had

In hopes it would be enough for you to love me for more than my body

But isn’t love the same as attention

And you gave me that

…When you wanted something from me

You took and took and took

Giving nothing in return

Ruthlessly

Eventually your selfishness swallowed me whole

It took me 4 years to see that I am more than a 4 am phone call

And I used to blame myself for being so desperate for love that I would accept something that felt so much more like self hate

But it is not my fault nobody ever taught me how to love myself enough to stay away from those who just want to use me

It is not my fault I was never given the love necessary to keep me from searching for it in the arms of those with nothing to give

I tried to prove I was enough for people who would never be enough for me

I am enough for me.

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