It felt like falling off a horse. I remember there was one time in particular. It was raining so hard and I had a lesson. My horse took off with me and my coach kept telling me to get off before things got really bad so I wouldn’t fall. But I was in shock. I was too scared and everything was moving so fast. I was frozen in time, going along for the ride. Hearing everyone telling me what to do, unable to do any of it. Watching everything spin in circles and hanging on for dear life while my horse galloped, bucked, reared and eventually jumped the fence surrounding the arena and ran straight for the barn. I fell off, landing on the mounting block upside down and shook. I remember sitting up and seeing my dad, my sister and my coach all running after me through the rain.
That’s what it felt like. Having a mental breakdown. You know it’s going to happen and you can feel your whole world just spinning spinning spinning but you can’t stop it. All you can do is hold tight and wait for the fall.
Depression feels like watching all the people you love become your worst enemy
It feels like all of the things that give you life becoming mundane
It’s your favourite food gone bad
Depression feels like being in a dark room and wondering why everyone else can see
It’s feeling disconnected and not knowing whether it’s you or them
Depression is wanting to stay in and feeling lonely, but going out and feeling lonelier
It’s physical pain trying to get out of bed in the morning
And emotional exhaustion from trying to get through the day without anyone seeing how you really feel
It steals away your joy and turns everything into a mental war between what is true and what is dictated
by the darkness that clouds your vision
-Please don’t ask me how I am, I am tired of lying and you don’t want to know the truth