Archive

Deafening Silence

There are times when I feel

Haunted

By you

In the darkest corners of the night

When

My mind

Races

And my heart beat

Quickens

When something

Keeps me awake at 3 am

And it’s not my lack of exhaustion

It’s like I feel guilty

For walking away

From someone who never really came

Close enough

To ask me

To stay

Guilty

For leaving you behind

But we both know

It wasn’t really me who left

Was it

Onward

When will you learn

To forgive yourself

To have compassion

On yourself

To honour yourself

And thank

Yourself

For choosing

Yourself

For deciding

You value your heart

Over theirs

When will you

Let go

Of the burden you carry?

To prove your

Loyalty

To those disloyal

To you

You should let go

You really ought to

For the discovery that

You owe no explanation

To those who don’t come

Close enough

To hear it

Will set you

Free

Blindside

You tell yourself

You know best

You’ve made up

A whole narrative

In your own head

About how things happened

The world that’s out

To get you

The people who

Betrayed you…

Created a hurt

Inside your heart

Out of the mountain

That should have been

A molehill

My dear,

You are only harming

yourself

If only you had put down

Your pride

And your fear

Long enough to

Ask

Quietly enough to

Listen

Sun showers

I woke up this morning

With an undeniable faith

That I am where I’m meant to be

That I will be lead

Where I’m meant to go

With an unwavering comfort

That I will be

Okay

I woke up this morning

With an endless love

To give

With peace of mind

And a calmness in my heart

Motivation in my soul

That I knew

Could only come from something

Greater

Than I

I woke up this morning

Full of God

Progenitors

They tried so hard to make my life

So much softer than theirs

And I hope they know

That I will never be able to thank them enough

4 Girls In 406

This fall I moved into a new apartment with three other girls. Girls I had known for the past three years of university. I knew them as the girls across the street that I would go visit now and then. The girls I would share a bottle of wine with before hopping on a school bus together on a Thursday evening, headed for a night of dollar beers and long lines. Girls I would meet up with occasionally for study sessions in the library (or at least we would pretend that’s what we were doing). This is what I thought of when I pictured living together. Our Thursday nights and library dates.

I had no idea these girls would become the glue that held me together this past semester. I couldn’t have anticipated all of the love that would be shared between us. And I don’t mean just the “love you’s” said in passing before bed or in our farewells. I mean the nights filled with popcorn and sunflower oil. The hours spent cuddled up in bed binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. The group grocery shopping trips. The dance parties in our kitchen. The road trips to undiscovered beaches, hiking spots and pottery houses. The moments of unspoken love and shared joy.

There were times the love was obvious. But there were so many moments my heart overflowed silently. Days I would struggle and the presence of my best friends and silly laughs would pull me right out of my darkness and back into the moment. These girls were what I needed to know I experienced what it feels like to be a twenty-something girl with a house full of best friends. What it feels like to want to spend a Friday night with your girls more than your boyfriend. What it feels like to “do life” with someone.

They were the happiest, most fun and most stable part of my world this semester. I feel like I’ve spent the past three years searching for that. And because I’ve finally found it, part of me wants to hold onto it for longer than the single semester I have left here. For things to stay the same and to resist the inevitable changes ahead. But maybe one semester will be enough for us to learn how to hold onto each other and the solace found in each other as we all move forward and embrace everything to come. The future that awaits. The uncertainty and the freedom lingering on the other side of our university degrees. And maybe as we move forward we will be okay with finding solace in new things. In new places and new people. But even if that happens, I will always hold those three girls and all the memories we made in 406 as close to my heart as possible.

For My Father’s Pain

For my father’s pain

My heart breaks

For all the ways this life broke him

For all the ways he wishes it didn’t

For all the success he hides behind

There is a little boy

Helpless to the weight of the world

To the expectations of his mother

Holding up a wall so strong

For his family to rest

Unable to feel

Unwilling to see

The ways his hurt

Hurts others

2018: A New Year

This year has been nothing short of a roller coaster. It broke me down in ways I didn’t know I could be broken. It also gave me some of the most joyous memories of my life. “It has been a year of hurting so bad but living so good.”

I had incredible travel experiences with people I would later lose. I lost myself but also began to find myself in a deeper sense than before. I fell in love and got heart-broken. I made new friends out of strangers and I turned old friends into strangers. I learned that the bad is almost always paired with the good and I guess that’s the idea of a silver lining.

Through all of it what I’m learning most is the importance of developing a strong and solid relationship with yourself because when all else falls away that’s what you have left. I’ve learned not to make a home out of anyone’s heart but your own. I’m still working on learning myself and learning how to have more compassion for the dark parts of who I am. Learning how to love myself better knowing it will help me love others better. Learning just how hard it is to love me and to soak those who do in the warmest hugs and kindest words. Learning how to wish peace on those who hurt me because hate is heavy and anger will make you cold. Thanking those who have left me because it made me stronger. And loving those who stuck by me when it was anything but easy. Learning that nothing is permanent but that’s ok and sometimes life takes away something good to make room for something better. Learning that it’s ok to not be ok and making peace with the journey.

I learned there is absolutely no use in worrying because the things that end up causing us to struggle are usually things we would never be able to foresee. And the things we worry about almost never happen. While in some ways I feel absolutely defeated after this year, more than that I feel thankful. For all of the lessons, heartache and challenges. This year taught me to never give up on the woman I’m becoming and encouraged me to pursue a journey to discover what it’s like to be free of all demons.

So I’m entering 2018 defeated, exhausted, feeling nothing short of a mess. But fighting. So hard. Because through all the struggle, the pain, the unsuccessful attempts and the despair, there is just as much good waiting on the other side.

-d.b.

Thank You.

But more than anything you taught me that I’m an artist

Because my creativity and my pain go hand in hand

And I’ve never felt like my creativity came to life

As much as it did after the love died

WordPress.com.

Up ↑