Deafening Silence

There are times when I feel

Haunted

By you

In the darkest corners of the night

When

My mind

Races

And my heart beat

Quickens

When something

Keeps me awake at 3 am

And it’s not my lack of exhaustion

It’s like I feel guilty

For walking away

From someone who never really came

Close enough

To ask me

To stay

Guilty

For leaving you behind

But we both know

It wasn’t really me who left

Was it

Tender Love

I’ve missed you

But not as much as I missed myself

Because the truth is,

I lost myself

Trying to find you

-I will not forget to hold myself as close as I wanted to hold you

Undiscovered Self-Love

I believe that half of us will never see our own beauty

We will never recognize our strengths

Because our talents often lie in the things that come most easily to us

And the things that come easily to us

We believe come easily to everyone

-undiscovered self love

Revolution

But at the end of the day I’m proud of myself for filling the cracks with my own sources of happiness

Instead of attempting to find purpose  through the numbing distraction of another meaningless boy

It was truly the most revolutionary contrast to have someone say the words to me that I’ve been craving to hear from you

And have them mean nothing from him

When they meant everything from you

Soul Cries

Do not read my words and believe they represent my life in an all encompassing manner.

I write because when my heart carries pain this is the only way I know how to put it down.

I have not yet discovered how to transform joy, wonder, ecstasy and all of the other powerful feelings that life brings into art yet. My soul cries out for creation when it is in need of therapy. And this is where I find it.

Generational

It was only after all the horrible things I said ungraciously to my mother that I realized

I am furious with her

For not working harder to love herself

Before expecting me to know how to love her

Much less myself

.

You’ve got to feed yourself

Nourish your body and soul

Cook for yourself the most appetizing meals

Shower yourself in kind words

Appreciate your flaws

Love yourself back to life

Even on the hardest days

Make yourself swoon over you

You’ve got to be in a relationship with yourself

Learn your ugly parts

And then

Practice the kind of perfect, unconditional,  everlasting appreciation that others crave

This is how you fall in love with yourself

This is how you teach your daughter to love herself

Because mommy

You love me

But that’s not enough for me to love me

if you do not love you

I will not know to love me

Because I am made from you

.

I couldn’t appreciate it when I was young

But you have become my best friend

And for that

I am forever grateful

.

Mama

You can’t hold yourself to a standard of perfection

I don’t want your heart to break

For your flaws

Or mine

You always did your best

To protect me from the same pain

That life showed you

But don’t you see?

It’s generational

The hurt was inevitable

But that’s ok

Because through the hurt

You also loved me

Built me

Taught me

Held me

Made me stronger than most

And mama

You’re strong

But you’re not bulletproof

Neither am I,

Nor should we be

But

You made me stronger than most

And in my eyes

You will always be a superwoman

Lonely

I don’t know if I wanted you

Or if I wanted to be held

Asked how my day was

Looked at and seen

I don’t know if I wanted you

Or if I just wanted someone

When it felt like I had no one

Broken Home

My bones are cold because what used to warm them is gone

I don’t know where I’ve gone

I need to retrace the steps I took

How did I get myself here?

Surely, it couldn’t have been just me

I know you broke me too

But do you?

Healing is an inside job

But fuck it feels hard when

The breaking

Happens from the outside in

Muse

I used to wait up for your 4 am calls…

As if I believed that your desire for my body made me matter

Your acknowledgement of my existence made me feel special

Special enough to be one of your many muses

That was enough for me?

I used to believe that was all I deserved

But now I see it was you who never deserved me

I tried to give you everything I had

In hopes it would be enough for you to love me for more than my body

But isn’t love the same as attention

And you gave me that

…When you wanted something from me

You took and took and took

Giving nothing in return

Ruthlessly

Eventually your selfishness swallowed me whole

It took me 4 years to see that I am more than a 4 am phone call

And I used to blame myself for being so desperate for love that I would accept something that felt so much more like self hate

But it is not my fault nobody ever taught me how to love myself enough to stay away from those who just want to use me

It is not my fault I was never given the love necessary to keep me from searching for it in the arms of those with nothing to give

I tried to prove I was enough for people who would never be enough for me

I am enough for me.

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