But more than anything you taught me that I’m an artist

Because my creativity and my pain go hand in hand

And I’ve never felt like my creativity came to life

As much as it did after the love died

I think the problem is

That every time I try to love you

I stop loving me a little bit

The love I give to you

Is the love I would have given to myself

And I have loved in a million ways

In a million lifetimes

But it never seems to come back

In the same way it is given

It is never returned

As bountiful

Or wholesome

It is never quite the same

And it never stays

Maybe I’m too good at knowing how to love

And not good enough at knowing how to accept it

Or maybe there was never any love to accept

Because the love I give

Is enough to create wings for those who receive it

– I don’t know how to make it stop or make it stay

We’ve been taught to accommodate

You’ve been taught to take

“If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t do for you what you’re doing for me”

A phrase that makes each man indistinguishable from the last

Is this because you weren’t ready?

Did it matter more because I allowed it to

Or because I cared more?

Did I care more because I loved more,

Or because I am a woman

All your favourite parts of me

Were merely a flicker of light

By the time you were done with me

It’s funny how sometimes we destroy the things we love the most

Simply because we use too much of them,

When we assume they’ll always be there

-strength isn’t always strong and selflessness isn’t unlimited

February 19, 2017

It’s been nine months since I started falling for you, and I don’t think I’ve ever stopped. There have been ups and downs, but for every decline, seems to be an incline even higher. I never liked the idea of losing you…but I was never scared it would happen because I always thought it was in my hands. Until that one day at your house, and ever since I’ve been terrified of losing you. My appreciation for you continues to grow stronger as the prospect of losing you becomes greater and it makes me more vulnerable because the more you care, the more you have to lose, right? I know I appreciated our relationship greatly when we were together, but once it was over I started to try and convince myself out of caring. I wanted to be angry or apathetic because it was easier than admitting to what I could lose. For a while, I don’t think I really allowed myself to continue caring for you as much as I could have…maybe because I didn’t fully understand what I had until I thought I might not be able to have it, or maybe because I let the idea of getting too hurt outweigh my hope in the best case scenario. But I don’t want to hinder my feelings from growing out of fear of getting hurt. Have you ever dared to love someone more than you love yourself? I haven’t…I’ve tried but I’ve never gotten there. Because it’s scary. I’m not ready to do that, and neither are you. I’m grateful for the bad timing of our relationship because it allowed me to learn how to love myself more, something that is crucial before truly loving someone else….I want to get there one day and I can only hope it will be with you. When I think of my future, you’re the one I want to experience the important life events with. But more importantly, you’re the one I want to share the little things with, the things that make this life what it is. I used to be infatuated with you, and I cared for you and I knew those feelings were mutual. But now, I am in deep appreciation of you. I continue to see things in you that I haven’t seen anywhere else. And it’s scary because I am no longer certain that my feelings are reciprocated. I can only hope you see those things in me too. Because ultimately one day we will have to make a choice. And we will only choose each other if we see something unique and irreplaceable in each other and in our relationship. I heard someone say once, that when you find the right person it’s easy to commit, it’s easy to forgive, everything’s easy. It hit me because that’s what I’ve always said about my relationship with you…our connection, our relationship, the long distance and the inconvenient timing, it was all easy until we stopped choosing each other. But that’s okay because I think that when you meet someone special, even if it’s at a complicated time, when you do make the decision to choose each other, those things become easy again. Committing, forgiving…even after the stuff that hasn’t been easy, those things feel easy with you. I know we’re young and it’s a great big world out there, but I hope when the day comes we do choose each other. I want to choose you. And I want to continue making that choice every day, even on the days when things get hard and I don’t feel like choosing you. Because ultimately, “In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in a hundred versions of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”

I once heard someone say that love is the easiest thing in the world. That we think it’s easy to hate and it becomes our default setting but really what’s easy is to love, because to hate takes energy but to love gives vibes. I wish it were that simple. And I wish it were just about the “feeling” or the “energy” or the “vibes” of it all. I wish it were easier to love people when they hurt us. Or that it were easy to love people back to happiness when we’ve hurt them. I wish I knew how to accept the grey parts between love and something else. And I wish I knew what that something else was. But mostly, I wish that I could accept that love is not simple, but multifaceted. That it’s not black or white, I love you or I don’t, but grey and sometimes in between. Because right now I’m feeling like I don’t want any more shades of grey. And love should be simple but in a world like ours it seems to be 50 shades of complicated.

I stared at the blank text box with glossy eyes and blurry vision. Butterflies used to fill my stomach when I would see your name. But it was always in the best way, in the warm-hearted, excited way. When I couldn’t see you, seeing your name pop up would make my day. Knowing you would have something funny, or encouraging, loving or personal to say. I used to know you would tell me everything, and I could tell you anything.

I see your name and I stare at it. There’s 5 words. So simple but not in the meaningful way. In the way that leaves me feeling like I have nothing to say.

So I stare at your name

And I’m starting to wonder if having none of you is better than only having some of you, when what I really want is all of you.

There’s the before and there’s the after and somehow I can’t make them fit no matter how many times I rearrange the pieces.

When I think about the best parts of us, before it all, I think about something so pure. When all I felt towards you was affection. When what you saw in me was a future. After most relationships we mourn. We have to deal with the loss of the relationship we built. The memories, the person. But you have always been different. And even after it all you are different. Because what I mourn over is our connection. It wasn’t built. It was already there. Untouched, unbroken and pure. Darling, if souls are made from stardust, we came from the same star.

Why did I stay?

Because maybe holding onto hope was easier than accepting that maybe there was nothing left to hold on to.

.

The problem with being in love is that you do not know when to stop