Deafening Silence

There are times when I feel

Haunted

By you

In the darkest corners of the night

When

My mind

Races

And my heart beat

Quickens

When something

Keeps me awake at 3 am

And it’s not my lack of exhaustion

It’s like I feel guilty

For walking away

From someone who never really came

Close enough

To ask me

To stay

Guilty

For leaving you behind

But we both know

It wasn’t really me who left

Was it

Onward

When will you learn

To forgive yourself

To have compassion

On yourself

To honour yourself

And thank

Yourself

For choosing

Yourself

For deciding

You value your heart

Over theirs

When will you

Let go

Of the burden you carry?

To prove your

Loyalty

To those disloyal

To you

You should let go

You really ought to

For the discovery that

You owe no explanation

To those who don’t come

Close enough

To hear it

Will set you

Free

Some Days

Some days seem bright and sunny and full of life. There are no limits and everything is something to look forward to. Some days are warm hugs from a close friend and someone you care about making you your favourite kind of tea. Some days are long walks in windy weather with such good company that you hardly notice the wind. Some days are conversations about what’s to come and booking flights overseas with credit cards that are almost maxed out. Some days are limitless.

Other days are bitter cold weather that chills you to the bone. They’re not being able to warm up and missing what feels like everyone and everything. Some days are inexplicable loneliness and a desperate need for something, or someone, or maybe it’s just a deep need for yourself. Some days are thinking of people who have walked in and out of your life and the plans that didn’t happen and promises you wish were never made. Some days are longing for what was, or what could be, or maybe something that doesn’t exist.

Some days…

A.O.

She’s the type of person who becomes a best friend in a just a few short hours. The type of friend who will stay with you, 8 garbage bags full of empties, a few police officers and countless tears later. The only one standing by your side at the end of the night even if you were strangers at the beginning. The type of friend who you can lay down in the middle of the road, naked in the snow with but still feel completely safe. The kind of person you never want to lose. She has a deep desire for adventure and it’s contagious. And she has the kind of heart with enough love in it to make up for the love that sometimes seems to be lacking everywhere else.

I’ve learned a lot from her. She is one of the people I admire most and someone who is constantly inspiring me. I don’t always know if she understands how truly special she is or if she can always recognize her own adventurous spirit. She doesn’t always give herself enough credit and sometimes I think she can’t seem to see through the lens I see her through. She inspires me to be spontaneous and invest in making meaningful memories with good people. She calls me a firecracker but really, she’s the spark. She is an amazing writer and often my motivation to get my own thoughts down on paper. She says that “People don’t need much to draw their own conclusions. [And] if you’re going to write, write about whatever the hell you want.” She teaches me to be bold in my writing but I think this lesson goes for anything in life. The more I experience, the more I feel this way. People are going to give you a hard time. Sometimes the people we care about most are the ones who make our lives the most difficult. But most people are just trying to navigate their own world.

And I don’t mean that in a judgemental way. But it’s true. We can’t expect others to be able to draw accurate conclusions about our lives, who we are or the decisions we make because most of the time people are struggling to do that even for themselves. People will come and go. People will admire you and people will judge you. Friends will get mad at you and people will hurt you and sometimes they won’t know how to make it better and neither will you. You will outgrow people, and people will outgrow you. Sometimes it will seem impossible to make other people happy. But the truth is, you can’t live your life hoping your choices will make someone else happy. And you certainly can’t write hoping it will be meaningful to anyone else. Writing is art, life is art and art is a very personal thing. The best thing you can do is try to find the things that light a fire in your belly and fight like hell to keep it burning. And if it happens to please others or impact them in some profound way well that’s a bonus. I just hope she knows her fire is so many people’s spark and it means more than she could ever know.

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